133 – Hector – “Help me please, I have depersonalization derealization disorder.”
“Hello, my name is Hector, I am 25 years old, I am new creation Christian since 2015. Before that I used to be a sinner filled with guilt and shame, and one day I called upon the Lord. I was tired of living the life of sin and I asked God, God if you exist give me the life you made for me, give me the person you want me to spend the rest of my life with, and I will change everything for you. Two weeks later, I met a girl that became my girlfriend, and I went to her with all my heart, and I liked her because she was different. She was not like other girls or other people, and about 1 year and a half later I became born again by her family, they are Christians.
I used to get tired very fast at work. I got to the point that I almost couldn’t work because I had back pain, and I used to have nightmares at night every night, and I couldn’t sleep because I used to think about my problems, I used to owe money, and had a lot of problems and me and my girlfriends relationship was not going well, until I became born again and became a new creation. That first night everything changed, I slept like a baby, I no longer had back pain or pain in my bones, I was able to work fully without any problems. My relationship with my girlfriend became like a dream and everything became new.
I became born again in 2015 and I walked with the Lord and always had challenges, but I always overcame. I had a job in the automotive industry, I do collision repair, and I had money and cars that I used to buy to fix and sell and my girlfriend was going to college to become a nurse. Our plan was for her to graduate and become a nurse and for me to start a business fixing cars and then get married and start a family and use our money to help the homeless and needy and anything for the glory of God. Everything was good with us, because God was in control.
One day in October or November of 2016, I started to feel something physically on my head, and I didn’t know what it was and after that I started to change how I think about things, and my girlfriend saw that I started changing maybe my personality. At that time we didn’t know it was a mental problem, and after some months we separated because I had changed, maybe I became a different person and we were very happy together, and I was very close with her family. When we separated I became very sad, and time went by and I couldn’t pray. When I tried to pray it felt like my heart was very far from me like I couldn’t access my heart, and I tried to pray but I couldn’t get to feel the presence of God or the overwhelming joy I always felt after praying.
After time went by I felt like my joy was becoming less and less and in October or November of 2017 I finally had everything ready to open my business. But when I was ready to open my business I one day felt like something was taking my heart and after that I felt like I no longer had my heart. I no longer felt joy, or emotions, or the presence of God or God’s guidance, I no longer felt any spirituality when I read my bible, and also knowledge and wisdom that I had received from God was gone. When this happened my mental ability also changed and I could no longer work, so I had to close the business God had given me, and I sold my cars and spent money I had saved for my business to pay bills while I was unable to work. I went to the hospital and they diagnosed me with schizophrenia but the symptoms didn’t match, and recently I found something that fits to how I feel and it’s called depersonalization derealization disorder, and this disorder happens from having something very emotional happen to you like for example losing the person God made for you, and this disorder makes you feel like you have no life, you do not feel any emotions, and they say that people with this disorder go back to normal once the sadness or stress is fully gone. This disorder happens to protect the person from feeling for example too much sadness, when me and my girlfriend separated the sadness that I felt, I thought I was going to die from it or maybe live with it until I’m in old age. That’s how much sadness I used to feel when I felt emotions, it’s now been 3 years almost 4 years I have not felt the presence of the Lord or any spirituality like before, you know once you have known God, you will never be the same, because god has revealed himself to me. I will forever seek him and walk in his ways even if he doesn’t give me anything. I will bless the Lord because he is who he says he is, he is mighty and he can do anything,
I want to know what am I to do now, I want to do everything for him and walk in all his ways and live for him but I do not know if I am maybe out of the will of God or am I just to wait, I want to preach but this problem also affects my memory and sometimes while I’m trying to explain something I forget what I am explaining and I can’t really do that, but I am eager to do it one day for his glory. Now I’m more stable, I can work and live normal but still, what I want is to know what God has to say concerning me.
Thank you Michael Chriswell, God Bless you”
The Crook in the Lot: Embracing God's Refining Process
Are you walking through a difficult and perplexing season of numbness towards life and God, like Hector in today’s recording? Take heart. This journey, though challenging, is often the path to true abundance in Christ. Psalm 66:10-12 offers a powerful image of this process: God refining us like silver, bringing us through fire and water, ultimately leading us to a place of abundance.
This abundance is rarely material prosperity, but rather a richness of spirit, an overflowing of the life of Jesus Christ within our hearts. It's a life of power, fruitfulness, and victory that comes through a journey of humbling. God often uses difficult circumstances – health issues, financial struggles, relational challenges – to bring us low and break our pride.
Deuteronomy 8 describes how God humbled the Israelites in the wilderness, testing their obedience and revealing the true condition of their hearts. Like them, we often cry out in our trials, questioning God's plan and longing for easier times. But it is in these moments of brokenness that God's grace can truly flow into our lives.
Thomas Boston, in his book The Crook in the Lot, highlights the problem of pride in our hearts, when adversity strikes. We resist humbling ourselves, clinging to our own desires and efforts to change the circumstances. But God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble. He allows us to experience pain and failure, breaking us down so that we can finally reckon ourselves dead to self and fully rely on Him and His purpose.
This process often takes years of "time under tension." There's no shortcut to spiritual maturity. No book, conference, or sermon can replace the refining fire of hardship. It is through enduring these trials, continually surrendering our will to God's, that we become truly humble and meek, ready to receive His abundant life. Embrace the wilderness journey, and trust that God is working in you for His good and His glory, not matter how it looks or feels right now.
