139 – Ruth – “I am so scared that I’ve lost my salvation.”
“Dear Michael,
I’m sorry to keep contacting you, but I’m still really scared that I’ve lost my salvation.
I feel I had the Holy Spirt as I was delivered from a stubborn sexual sin and something else strange that I prayed for. Although I had this happen, I still didn’t really feel God’s forgiveness; I just felt complete terror about sin all the time.
I keep suffering blasphemous thoughts and whenever something bad would happen they’d come back and there’d be profanity that got worse and worse. The more I researched about them, I got deceived by false teaching, I feel like I became a legalistic Pharisee, and I’m worried that I willfully rejected the promptings of the Holy Spirit when it came to worldly things which I’ve since given up. I became angry at God because I couldn’t hear Him. I can’t remember what I said exactly but I remember reasoning maybe it was better for me to die and get hit by a bus, so I couldn’t sin anymore and keep doing more damage, and then I misjudged turning onto a roundabout and sure enough, got knocked by a bus. I’m terrified that I’ve blasphemed the Holy Spirit and `lost my salvation because I didn’t take God seriously and I didn’t have enough fear of the Lord. Also, after answering a call to my Dad, I had the number 666 on my mobile - have I received the mark of the beast? Is this God telling me I’m evil and He’ll never forgive me?
I’m terrified of sinning, of going against God’s will; I want to start over but I’m scared God won’t forgive me; I’m scared I’ll keep messing up and he’ll be ashamed of me. I just want Him to love me, but I fear it’s too late. He’s been more than patient with me, and I don’t deserve forgiveness.
I just can’t feel God’s love; I just feel everything I do, whatever choice I make is going to be a sin and I’ll be condemned. I’m scared I’ve forfeited my faith, and I’ll never get another chance. I’m scared I’ve become Esau and God won’t forgive me. All I want is for God to love me, but I feel unworthy and hopeless. I can’t feel His love. All I feel is fear that I’ve messed up and that I’ll never be forgiven, or I don’t have enough faith - I pray for this.
Most people say there’s a peace that comes when God forgives but I don’t feel it. I know we shouldn’t base things on feelings, but I feel so alone. My family don’t believe in God, so I don’t spend huge amounts of time with them, although I still love them. I just have this feeling to go and hibernate in a cave and read God’s Word and try and figure this out. I want to run away from home. I really want them to be saved, and I pray to God about it; but if I’m such a mess myself, I doubt He’ll answer prayers like this, and I feel responsible for my family and their unbelief. My mum has noticed I’m crying a lot and is worried that I’m not ‘happy’ but I don’t want her to blame God for my crying, so I try and avoid talking about it. It really bothers me when I hear them using blasphemy but I heard we aren’t meant to judge outside the body of Christ, which I’m not sure I’m even in anyway now.
I had a phone call today with a job offer but I’m scared to take it in case this is another test that I’ll fail and that God might want me to stay at home and I’d take it and God would be angry with me. I feel He’s always angry with me, or ashamed.
I’m trying my best to follow what I know of the commandments of Jesus but it’s hard with these thoughts. I’m obviously missing something, but I don’t feel that tug of conviction in my chest - I don’t feel it in my chest when the thoughts come either which worried me because I feel the Holy Spirit would do that to me when these thoughts come in. I don’t like or enjoy the thoughts - Is it because I’m still resisting in some way? I’ve tried cutting out things that were worldly and I’m preparing to be baptized and I’m asking God to break me or my pride or whatever it is that’s in the way. I doubt all the time that I’m doing God’s will. I stopped doing online bible studies as I worried that I was using man to teach me instead of God, and I do feel I understand some things. I’m in the Old Testament at the moment. I’ve just finished the book of Ruth.
I’ve stopped watching the satanic illuminati videos as well as I felt they encouraged godless chatter and I just felt increasingly funny about them - I don’t know if this is strange or not, but I keep sensing death in things. Like television and music and radio - I don’t seek out these things but sometimes you overhear the people talking and laughing on the television- it just seems dead.
I haven’t slipped back into the thing that Jesus delivered me from, but I worry all the time over even little things. I’m aware that I’m terrified of people and I’m really shy - I hate being a coward - I’ve prayed over this too.
I hate myself, I want to change, I feel weak all the time and just want to sleep. I’ve suffered from depression in the past, but I don’t think it’s this because I don’t want to commit suicide, but I do want to kill myself, if you know what I mean. I just don’t know how else to. I don’t know if it’s one thing or several that are in the way of God, or whether I’m doomed to be a bad tree forever, because I’ve lost salvation and can’t get it back.
I’m really sorry Michael that I keep pestering you, I don’t know who else to turn to; I don’t know anyone who really claims to be a Christian let alone knows God. My grandmother is religious and goes to an Anglican church, but other than that I don’t really have contact with anyone. Maybe this is part of God’s plan?
I really worry about the state of my mind. I’ve confessed everything I can think of but I still worry God won’t forgive me. I don’t know all of Jesus’ teachings yet and if I’m honest I feel scared about reading the New Testament in case I find any more scriptures that might indicate I’ve lost my salvation and can’t be forgiven. I’m terrified of Jesus. I just want Him to be pleased with me. I’m scared I’m a child of the devil and I’m not predestined to make it. I’m scared that if I am forgiven then I’ll fall away, I’m scared of people, I’m scared of demons, I’m scared of myself and what evil I might be capable of. I want to kill off myself so Jesus can come in and change me, but every time I have a decision to make I panic and worry I’ll make the wrong decision and God will hate me and reject me and it’ll be completely deserved because it will be all my fault. The thoughts aren’t as bad as they used to be, but they usually come when I’m trying to read the word or pray or I think about Jesus or God and then I start panicking that God doesn’t want me to eat today or go downstairs. I’ve found typing seems to help so I’ve stated keeping a diary on computer. I don’t know if it is just because it is a distraction or not, but it does seem to help. Then a realize the thoughts haven’t come for a while and then they come back.
I promise I’ll end this e-mail now. I keep meaning to and then I keep going on and on. I’m sorry.”
Freedom from Torments of Salvation Anxiety
Anxiety. That gnawing unease, the racing thoughts, the tightness in your chest. It can feel like a suffocating blanket, stealing your joy and paralyzing you with fear. And perhaps never more than when the issue is your own salvation.
As seen in Ruth’s email, some people suffer indescribable torment in their minds, regarding their standing with God. Ruth was like a ship tossed about in a violent storm, waves of fear and anxiety crashing over her, threatening to pull her under. She is not alone. I’ve received many desperate emails from people like Ruth.
Torments from Satan and doubts about salvation can be relentless, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and hopelessly lost. The Word of God says, “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved” (Acts 2:21). However, this presumes that a person’s heart is honest and sincere (Luke 8:15). Jesus does not accept people, like Simon the Sorcerer, who come to him with selfish motives (John 2:24). Simon called on the Lord, believed, and was even baptized, but he was rejected for salvation because of selfish motives (Acts 8:20).
Often, the root of our torments about salvation, lie in the fact that we have yet to “make straight paths for the Lord to travel” (Luke 3:4). We come to the Lord, still holding onto to some sin, foolishly thinking He will save us, even though we have yet to repent and turn from our sin. John the Baptist made it clear that the Lord only saves those who have prepared the way for Him to travel into their heart, by turning from their sin and this world, producing fruit in keeping with repentance. (Luke 3:4-14).
A person who comes to Jesus, either without faith, leaning on their own understanding or merits, or without having made straight paths for Him to travel, will find themselves caught in a type of spiritual “no man’s land”, where there is nothing but emptiness, doubts, and the howling winds of anxiety and torments.
